by Vanessa Lowry with a story from Sandy Hofmann.
I so admire Sandy and her willingness to share how she gave herself permission to go on living after the suicide of her beloved husband, Bern. The story below is an excerpt of a talk she has given to leadership development groups around the country.
“I believe that every day we are making the choices that create our legacy. All this to-do about work/life balance – I just don’t get it. I see it not as a balance of work with life. After all, life is balanced only with death. Frankly, the only thing that you can do about death is to avoid it for as long as possible by taking care of your physical health and security and then prepare for it by making a will and exploring your faith. Life on the other hand – it’s all about living and that is about your character, your values, your work, your play, your experiences, and all your relationships. You are struggling every day to balance all the multitude of efforts in your life.
I didn’t always realize this, but a little over 10 years ago I had an experience that forever changed me. I stood by the graveside of my husband of fourteen years and heard those soft words of legacy and the sobs of loss. My husband Bern took his own life with a gun and I lost my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my guide.
I was destroyed. I saw no reason to go on living myself and I struggled at the edge of dark abbess that I saw no escape from. My entire world was immediately thrown into turmoil unlike any I have ever known.
Between the grief I experienced over losing Bern and having to suddenly deal with the business of life without my partner (to say nothing of the complexities of a funeral, probating a will and taking over management of our home), then there was the unexpected tragedy of a violent suicide and coping with that horror.
Unlike a more natural death, grief following a suicide has so many extraordinary challenges for the family and friends who survive and even in this enlightened era, social and cultural mores make it difficult to know how to behave.
On top of all that, I was in the midst of a very challenging assignment integrating a recently acquired business into our company. I had to travel back and forth to Montreal for about 9 months. People were depending on me to take care of customers and employees when I was struggling to just survive.
I did in fact survive – proof that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and discovered a number of significant gifts, which have enriched my life – personally and professionally.
In the days following the loss, I had to get just locked in on a vision of getting through each day. Those days became weeks. I created a vision of finishing a charm bracelet that Bern had started for me and each month I added a charm. Months became years – my charm bracelet became a necklace!
More seriously, I developed a vision of my life without Bern, one where I had to rediscover me. I found that in my work, it became important to create similar visions for where I needed to take my team. I drew on leadership readings of two academic writers, Kouzes and Posner. I also incorporated my days as a 70s flower child and began thinking of my team all loaded up on a wildly painted old school bus, a Merry Prankster’s creation, traveling down a highway toward a destination. This silly bus became my way of thinking about the journeys I would make with others.
We don’t know how long we will have with the people who are in our lives, at work or outside work, so I actively look for ways to recognize the value of those around me.
At the end of my life I want to hear that I made a difference. I want to hear that I gave respect, that I had integrity, that I was fair, that I had uncompromising values and commitment, that I was a caring person. I want to hear that being on the bus with me was a trip filled with learning and with fun and that the destination was merely the first stop on the journey.
Ralph Waldo Emerson words speak to my heart, ‘success is to laugh often, win respect of intelligent people, earn appreciation of honest critics, find the best in others, and leave the world a better place.’
For the rest of us, Martin Luther King said that ‘life’s most urgent question is what are you doing for others?’ We are each creating our legacy. Will yours be fulfilled?”
Thanks Sandy!
Find out more about Vanessa. Find out more about Sandy.
When have you Given Yourself Permission? Let me share it with others! Email me at vlowry at gmail.com.
Tags: legacy, Sandy Hofmann, suicide, Vanessa Lowry
